Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You have to summon your inner elephant
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
