So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
