Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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