i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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