They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
it glows. i had to have it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
