He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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