I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
