i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
