I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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