now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
