My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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