I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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