i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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