my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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