sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
