I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
