i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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