I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
