Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
