I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
