Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
