As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
