I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
