lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
