Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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