i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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