Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
