I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
