I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
