happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
