she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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