Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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