His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
