Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
