I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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