Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
