Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
