Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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