if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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