He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
