yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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