my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
