Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you inspire me to be a worse person
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
