Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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