Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm both gender and math confused
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
