Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
