I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
