genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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