3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
