So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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