News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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